During sex, surprise him with an extremely sexy orgasm moan by making the THX theme sound at the top of your lungs
honeymoon is an interesting term because an actual moon made of honey would imply space bees which is pretty horrifying
Ravenclaw: Do it once you’ve gathered enough relevant information.
Hufflepuff: Do it with integrity.
Slytherin: Do it on your own terms.
Gryffindor: Do it for the vine.
The Pretty Guardian in a sailor suit, Guardian of Wonder and Amazement, Sailor Claus! Douse yourself in snow and repent!
Luke? nah what an asshole what a— [trips] [hundreds of thousands of photos of Luke spill out of jacket] w-what a fuckign asshole i these arent mine im just [gathering them up frantically sweating] listen i just listen fuck [thousands of pictures of Luke scatter across the floor] shit fcuk im holding them for a friend just listen
One time I was at a church retreat and a bunch of us were all talking and playing cards. Well I ran out of soda just as my friend was getting up to get a refill so I shouted to him "Hey, Bryan, Mountain Dew me.” Do you see where this is going because I did not.
You guys, I literally shouted a phrase that sounded like “Mount and do me” in a room full of very conservative people. I did not share this near death experience for 22 notes.
my moms favorite pastime is to come into my room, insult all of my life choices, list everything i already know i need to do making me 10x more stressed about it than i was before, then leave my door open
My dads favourite pastime is coming into my room at 8 in the morning (I go to sleep around 4am) and insulting my not-so-dirty room, me, my life choices, threatens to get rid if my cats, then vacuums. Every day.
The other night I had this dream about a vampire-guy, and these random teeenagers he was mentoring/planning to turn (like, one or two of them because 6 bby vampires in one place is a bit much). A couple of them got turned while he was away- I think he was in my house?- and there was this absolute slaughter/orgy. One of the last parts of the dream I can remember is someone bashing the vampire who’s POV I was in head against the wall over and over again. I woke up with my head sore on the same side.
Then last night I kept having dreams that someone was in my room, standing beside my bed and either touching my shoulder or my face and talking to me. I thought it was my mom and didn’t realize until I woke up that my mom and the rest of my family are in Cape Cod until Sunday.
I’m about to cry. My 60 year old mother watched a netflix documentary and only just now found out she’s asexual. I’ve been trying to figure out how to bring up this idea to her for years. I am so glad to hear her, she’s so happy and saying “there really is nothing wrong with me!” I didn’t realize it wore on her like that. God bless the internet.